Chemeketa Voices

Death as a Gift:
Peggy Ring

Dec. 16, 2005 - Peggy Ring got the call just after she returned from eating lunch and entered May Trucking Co.’s cavernous cafeteria.

Until that moment, Ring was certain she was going to enjoy a long and prosperous career in the trucking field. She worked in customer service, but played an active part in setting up stores like Lowe’s and delivering merchandise to stores like Michaels. She took great pride in being part of the stores’ set-up.

“I thought that was my future. I loved my job and I made good money. The people I worked with were like family,” she said.

It all changed with the phone call. Ring’s brother, Dennis, her mother said, had killed himself.

“My world stopped,” said Ring.

She spent the next several months helping her mother and siblings, including her two children, through their grief as best she knew how. She kept hers hidden and went back to work before the new year.

“I would drive my son to school every morning, tell him to have a good day, and then cry all the way from Keizer to Brooks while I went to work. Then I would sit in the parking lot and cry,” Ring said. “I would go to my desk and cry some more.”

As a result, Ring felt uncomfortable around the people at work she once thought of as family.

On Friday, March 9, 2006, Ring underwent surgery and should have stayed in the hospital for two days, but she checked herself out Saturday, against doctor’s orders. She fully expected to be back at work on Monday, but her doctor had other plans. He refused to sign a work release until at least six weeks had passed.

“You have to seek help,” he told her. “You’re at the edge of losing your reality and you need to see a counselor.”

Ring had made her children’s grief her top priority. Dennis had lived with her on two occasions prior to his suicide and developed close relationships with her son and daughter. She attended programs at the Mother Oaks Center for Grieving Children and picked up a list of local grief counselors, but she hadn’t done anything with it.  After spending a few days alone with only her thoughts as company, she began making calls.

She would preface her phone calls to the counselors by asking if they dealt with grief and loss and then asked if the counselors dealt with suicide. More often than not, the answer was, “Well, they’re all the same.”

Ring knew differently.

Suicide is unlike other types of death. Surviving family members are often left feeling shame and guilt in addition to loss. It was precisely those feelings that made her feel uncomfortable at work.

“It’s just totally different than you can imagine. We ran a non-descript obituary, we didn’t want anyone to view him at the funeral, we wanted to be left alone,” she said.

When she found a counselor who had previous experience with suicide survivors, she knew it almost immediately. She could tell by the woman’s voice over the phone.

As she began working with the counselor, Ring put off returning to work. Finally, in June, she quit.

“I decided I was going to come to Chemeketa and work toward a master’s degree in psychology so I could work with suicide survivors,” she said.

Before the suicide, Ring had moved into an apartment complex and lucked into a job as the apartment manager so she had a roof over her head and her monthly bills were covered, but she had only a vague notion of how she might be able to pay for college – scholarships.

Ring attended college classes at Chemeketa Community College after graduating high school, but success eluded her. She had, however, been a participant in the college’s CAMP program, a college tuition assistance program for children of migrant workers. She was too old to receive assistance from CAMP, but another program, TRiO, connected her with potential scholarships.

Merit-based scholarships proved not to be a problem, Ring made Chemeketa’s honor roll nearly every term during her time here. She’ll graduate this month and is transferring to Oregon State University. She is also one of only 50 students in the state to receive a Ford Foundation Scholarship, which will cover up to 90 percent of her continuing education costs.

As she puts it, “I’ve become a huge advocate for scholarships and applying for them.”

Ring insists she’s no do-gooder, but her actions suggest otherwise. Last October, she became a foster parent.

Her boyfriend, Leo, was fortunate enough to become a mainstay in the lives of his former girlfriend’s three children. When the mother fell into trouble, the children were removed from the home, but Leo kept in touch and visited them once a week.

Ring had a close relation who had children removed from the home, so it was already an issue close to her heart.

“I knew enough to know that the state system can be rough for kids,” she said.

Not long after they met last March, Ring herself began taking the kids lunch and clothes. Soon after that they she was approached about becoming a foster parent. It led to parenting courses and foster parent registration. She now plans on applying to become the legal guardian to two of them.

The third, who is the child of a parent who committed suicide, continues to struggle, but Ring is attempting to help him find the help he needs.

“I was the first adult who ever spoke to him about his father’s suicide,” she said.

There was a time, when Dennis’ suicide felt like the end of her world. But Ring is trying to look at it with new eyes.

“If it wasn’t for my brother’s death, I would not be here. In a way, his death was a gift,” she said.

Many others would agree. Just ask the bank teller who opened up to Ring for an hour after learning of her intended field.   

“People don’t talk about suicide often enough, but it’s happening every day. We don’t usually realize how much we need to talk after something like that happens,” she said. “My brother’s suicide made me see that this is what I have to do.”

By Eric A. Howald. Have a great Chemeketa story? Send us an e-mail.

Updated June 5, 2008 by Marketing and Student Recruitment.